A polyamorous lifestyle can be extremely exciting, adventurous and enjoyable. Polyamory, meaning many loves, is a very convenient relationship in today’s highly connected, busy life. Just like an open marriage, polyamory gives you the freedom to be emotionally, mentally or physically involved with others while you retain a loving, committed relationship with your partner. If you discover like-minded partners, polyamory can be an amazing relationship that provides the freedom to pursue relationships with the safe and secure partner in your life.
Polyamory, however, does add another layer of complexity on top of the already complex romantic relationship shared between a monogamous couple. It brings other relationships into the committed primary relationship from both sides. You get to choose your partners, but not those of your significant other. At times you may not feel like the most important person in their life, or they may feel the same about you. If you are interested in pursuing a polyamorous lifestyle, following are some key do’s and don’ts to consider and discuss with your partner in advance.
Polyamorous Dos
- Be honest with everyone involved in the relationship, from your primary partner to others you have a relationship with and others that your partner has a relationship with. Honesty is the best policy and deceit only leads to lack of trust, suspicion and worse.
- Agree on some ground rules upfront with your partner before pursuing any external relationships. Expectations should be clear and conversations honest to protect the primary relationship and create fulfilling secondary relationships.
- Give every person in your relationship the freedom to be themselves and enjoy their role as they desire.
- Be aware of your own needs and be honest in communicating those needs to your partners. It’s ok if you are unsure about your needs, especially in a new relationship, but be honest and be willing to communicate.
- Take responsibility for your own actions. You are in control of how you feel and what you do. Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions, or non-actions, and consider the effect of what you do before you do it.
- Pay attention to any prospective partner’s other relationships. Be aware of the relationships they have and what impact those might have on your other relationships.
- Be as flexible as possible to the needs and desires of your partners. This is also true in solving problems and managing expectations. The more flexible all participants are, the more smoothly the relationships are.
- Be aware that you are in a relationship with your partner’s partners. Whether you want to be or not, you are. If you are on as good a relationship with this person, your relationship with your partner is sure to be easier.
- Support your partner in the good times and the bad. Provide them the support they need regardless of the situation.
Polyamorous Don’ts
- Force anyone into a specific role or into limited participation. Everybody is unique and has their own desires and expectations in any relationship. Limiting someone can lead to hurt feelings, resentment, and displeasure.
- Don’t treat your relationships as a competition or keep score. If anyone is focused on scorekeeping, they are sure to lose. It becomes easy to feel left out, slighted or ignored if someone is keeping score and feels like they are on the short end of the relationship.
- Don’t let issues or problems linger or fester. Although dealing with issues can be difficult or at least uncomfortable, it’s better to get them out in the open sooner rather than let them simmer and boil, becoming something much larger and more significant in the future.
- Don’t believe that have a polyamorous relationship with solving any issues in the relationship. Polyamory can improve a good relationship and make it even better, but it rarely improves a bad relationship. In fact, more often than not, it hastens the end of a bad relationship.
- Don’t take sides in disagreements between your partners. They are more than capable of handling their differences themselves and don’t need you to mediate or referee. In fact, one or both of your partners may resent interference from you.
- Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s partners. You make not be privy to the intimate details of their relationship. That’s ok. But don’t assume things that can create negative feelings or resentments.
- Don’t seek your partner’s happiness as the expense of your own. You are responsible for your happiness and your partner is responsible for theirs. Yes, you can contribute and be a part of their happiness, but it is not your responsibility. You have enough to deal with in satisfying your own desires and happiness.
Everyone loves and needs to be loved differently. As long as everyone understands this and respects this, then polyamory can be a wonderful way of life filled with loving people who genuinely care for and respect one another. If you are considering pursuing a polyamorous life, first discuss it with your partner and see if there is mutual interest. Then define the nature of your relationship and others, and finally enjoy finding other beautiful people to love and have loved you.
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